Having recently come out of a
mildly stressful situation (shockingly with a woman!), I realized how the way
we handle stress, or in modern, social terms, “Issues”, is literally the polar
opposite to that of women. “Issues” in today’s regard are mostly related to the
opposite sex. This is expected as society has come to disregard anything
remotely more important as insignificant and also this paves a way for psychiatrists
with nothing better to do to become “relation experts”. Funny thing is, most
“relation experts” have failed in relations themselves. This leads me to
seriously doubt their credibility. Let
me very clear that what is written ahead is purely observational (I have a lot
of time on my hands) and none of it is documented truth or based on any kind of
funded research. However, I feel it is crucial that I explain my observation.
Before I proceed I would like to
highlight what comes under the “stress” category for men. I seriously feel that
women are the least important problem in a man’s life. This is not to say that
those problems are insignificant but, a man will generally focus on a
woman-based problem if that is the only stress-scenario currently in hand and
he has nothing else to worry about. The simplicity behind this logic is that
men prioritize their problems and maintain them in a sort of queue. This queue
does not work on a first-come-first-serve basis but on the severity of the
issue at hand as per the gentleman’s point of view. Women are a reason for
stress but to an extent a man enjoys this stress. I’ll begin by sequentially
listing and explaining major stress reasons ion a man’s life.
First and foremost are family based
problems. Family includes the whole package meaning wife, children, parents and
any significant extended family members. Again I would like to enforce that
“wife issues” do not come under this category. This is stress that a man faces
with the family as a unit. This incorporates the financial, material, social
and educational satisfaction of the family as a whole unit. For instance, in a
family with two sons if one is an academic prodigy and the other is an
average-Joe, this is a form of mild family based stress. A man not earning
enough money will eventually loose hair over the fact that his “family” is not
being provided for (to the amount that they deserve of course – assessed by the
man). If in a situation where the children are in the best schools possible,
the wife and kids have more than sufficient clothing and shelter and the family
is financially independent, then the “nagging wife” is not a stress factor. In
fact the man would barely consider this as an issue and more of a form of
entertainment. Harsh, yes but true.
Next is the job security stress. Here is a
man who is put in a situation where he is unsure if when he reaches work the
next day, his desk will still have his name on it. For some men the job
security stress may be even more frustrating than the family stress. Of course
for a family man, the job security stress eventually leads to family stress,
naturally. So in this case let us take a single man; one who has little or no
responsibility. This single man wakes up every day wondering why he must even
bother to go to work. This is not a good thought to wake up to. Waking up
stressed does lead to unnecessary vices like smoking. Drinking and binge
drinking are in a league apart and are mostly not related to job security
stress. So, this single man, now ready for work, takes a puff of his morning
cigarette and feels, as it poisons his lungs, a satisfaction that promises a
good day. He reaches work and finds he’s been replaced by some newbie graduate
who’s more than happy to work for close to half his pay. What a bummer. Now he
has a reason to pull another cigarette out and light away and take joy in the
carbon-monoxide filled smoke that twirls funny shapes in front of his eyes. A
man in this position is stressed because he knows for sure that in the
long-term he has no way of providing or preparing for the inevitable; family.
These are the men you’ll most likely find wandering off and cautiously pushing
away any form of even a remote relationship. They tend to indulge in filthy
habits to make up for the emotional deprivation they put themselves through
example, whores. Let’s face it, every man needs the company of a woman and when
he knows he’s not worthy of it what else is going to run through his mind.
Now, we discuss the most common stress, the
infamous job stress. This is slightly different from the job security stress.
This is when the job is secured and now he spends every waking moment praying
that he’s able to outperform the rest. Yes, this stress is born out of social
necessity to always build a “competitive” work environment. But, job stress has
one advantage over the other two described above; it can have a positive
outcome. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are two ideal examples. This is because
their stress was born out of passion and not from a “make-do” attitude
(basically your average disgruntled employee). Let’s focus on the negative
impact of the stress. Primarily this constitutes the nine hour portion of your
day dedicated to work. Problem is firstly a lack of work-satisfaction. This is
understandable as anything done for mere survival does not play a vital role in
triggering joy even upon significant output. When a man loses sight of why he
does something then eventually the burden becomes that his life is one giant
pointless tunnel that leads to nowhere. This stress is manageable as the end
result is usually money, which for men is a very good motive. Which begs the
question, why can’t a man be happy in a dead end job if his basic needs are
met? As I said earlier with the “tunnel” and the “heading to nowhere” the man
loses purpose. In the above two stress scenarios his stress is based on the
fact that his value to others is minimalized. In this case his self-worth is
put in question. This seems like a big deal, but you must understand that for a
man his need to provide trumps his agenda on self-worth. Yes, most likely if
the man is not happy with his job then he is more likely prone to anger and
aggressive behavior like rash driving and binge drinking. This has to be
understandable because the problem arises when family stress is built on top of
job stress. Here the man feels he is doing “all he can” to keep the family
afloat and making a valiant sacrifice by working in an environment that leaves
him fatigued, bored and unchallenged (intellectually and emotionally) because
of his lack of concern for what he is doing. So it becomes very easy for anyone
to push his buttons.
Let’s bring the topic to a shallower region
of the emotional whirlpool; the stress of physical appearance. Yes, men are “stressed” by imperfections in
their physical structure. Women do feel this stress too, just more openly than
men. Here’s the cold, hard truth. Unlike women, men do not have significantly
visible physical traits that draw attention of their female counterparts
sexually. Women have breasts. This is an open physical attribute that is
associated with sexual excitement for men. I don’t mean open as “free for all”
but as in “clearly visible”. They have curves. Men don’t have a single physical
attribute that would make them attractive. For a man to be attractive he would
have to be appealing entirely. A man with a big chest alone cannot pull it off.
So men have to do what they know to do best, hunt. They start a race to obtain
a specific goal; the more attractive woman. Please do not read this as a
mockery of female form or an insult to the less attractive women (you exist,
I’m a less attractive male and if I exist you exist). This has nothing to do
with emotional satisfaction. This is purely physical and primal. Back when we
used to hunt for survival (the caveman days) it was always the physically
stronger, more aggressive male that was the preferred choice for females as a
mate. With time came technology and culture and society and the significance on
physical strength became less important. It is still, I believe, a major factor
in basic attraction for women. So here’s the trick. The more a man lacks
physically superior traits such as good hair, sharp facial features, height,
muscular build etc. the more he attempts to cover up for it. This is where the
stress kicks in. Trying to beat another male who is physically superior to you
is difficult. It is hard to draw focus from such a man and point it towards
yourself. Women pay lesser attention to the short, bald man than they do to the
tall, dark and handsome category (unless they have a kink). Stress, born out of
competition in the way we look. This stress leads to low-confidence in men.
They tend to stay away from people (not like introverts; that’s a whole other
story) out of fear of judgment. This is a minor stress of course because
eventually every man “gets” the girl.
Now finally, we reach the stress due to
women-issues. Everyone reading this knows about it. Women can be a pain. This
pain is enjoyable and it’s what makes a man a man. To a man, women are expected
(feminists are probably booing right now) to be an emotional pillar on which we
can lean on. This is the male perception of a woman. If anyone has bothered to
notice, all the issues faced by men in the above four scenarios are solvable by
simple calculative measures with a precise thought process, in other words
easy. The stress is heavier but assessing and handling the situation is easier.
In this case there is a huge problem. Men. Have. To. Talk. This is utterly unacceptable,
ludicrous to the male senses. Talk? It’s the worst possible enemy of man. We
never had the time to indulge in emotional dilemmas. We were always given an
agenda and told to mold ourselves based on aspirations and obligations; not
feelings. We most probably never thought that such a discussion was ever
possible. We didn’t know what magic felt like. This is why, even though this
stress burdens our daily routine lesser than other forms, we still feel it is
way too big to handle. Most issues that men face with women are related to
communication. Understand that this is a two way road. Women don’t necessarily
(in most cases) lay the cards out on the table; they have a very indirect
approach to communication. They, more often than not, spiral out of control
(male perspective) making it very unclear the issue at hand. Let’s consider a
case where a woman and a man are having the exact same problem. When a woman
explains it, it will reflect a more emotional aspect of the issue at hand. At
this point it is confusing to the man what the issue is and whether she wants
it fixed. Most articles you read will say “sometimes she just needs you to
listen”. The point is when a man listens to a problem he’s already creating
various (sometimes dubious) solutions in his head. He finds it hard to comprehend
that if there is a problem, there is not necessarily a need to fix it. Now,
when a man explains the same situation, the emotion involved is pretty low.
Even if emotion is involved it will be very cryptic. As I mentioned earlier men
expect women to be the emotional pillar in any relationship and hence he finds
no need to explain the emotional consequences and continues with the problem at
hand as it is (plainly, it sounds boring to the woman). But, the difference is
that if he has explained a scenario to a woman he is expecting a solution,
which is rarely what he gets. Instead he gets how to cope with the situation.
This is not what he is looking for. It’s really clear from all this that all it
takes for a man and a woman to get along is essentially good communication
right? Wrong. The secret, I feel, to a good relationship is to let the man be a
man, let him solve problems or attempt to solve them at least. In that effort
he is displaying a very strong emotion; concern. To men, the feeling of “love”
is very confusing and involves too many variables. Like a tough math problem.
What does a man do? Simplify the equation. He takes a select few emotions that
weigh significantly more as compared to others as far as love is concerned;
most likely concern, empathy, sympathy. The other smaller emotions related to
texting randomly at any point or the whole “I miss you” sequence; he fails to
understand how this even makes an impact. This is an example of course.
Basically take every emotion that sums up to love and filter everything but the
most significant ones (depends on the man and the woman). A woman however,
incorporates all the emotions that sum up to love and feels if if she isn’t
displaying every one of them, even minutely, then she’s not working hard enough
on their relationship. So now obviously from her point of view the man isn’t
delivering the same effort. Another simple example would be with children.
Women have some crazy way of remembering the child’s favorite color and what
flavor of ice cream they like. Men on the other hand don’t notice intricate
details such as this. The see the overall picture and keep only the significant
details in account (respect towards elders, friend circle, grade sheets etc.).
A woman takes these into account as well but does not give any preference to
which is more important. To her, if favorite flavor of ice cream and respect
towards elders could be weighed on a scale, they would weigh approximately the
same. Another simple thing of how complicated communication with a woman can be
is; even though all other forms of stress generally damage male behavior more
drastically than the stress because of women, it took longer to explain this.
There are a lot more factors that cumulate
to stress in a man’s life. But, I’m a man so I’m filtering out what majorly
affects the male psyche and blaming the more minor impacts to individual
thought process or feelings.
So to sum up “stress” factors in the male
life cycle, there are essentially five:
1. The Family Stress
2. The Job Security Stress
3. The Job Stress
4. The Physical Attribute Stress
(The Primal Stress)
5. The Woman Stress
We will dwell on how men would generally
react or handle these different forms of stress in their day to day life. For
now let’s see how a man would usually handle any given stress situation (or
issue) regardless of its type. [Note, this theory does not apply to stress from
women]
Let’s take a hypothetical man Abe. Abe is a
regular man, who is satisfied with his job (not entirely but enough). He is
also a family man. People in the community have nothing much to say about him,
meaning either he’s reserved or is basically talentless. He lives an average
life, the kind of life where you really have no complaints and are in general
“cool with life”. There’s a catch though. Hypothetical man Abe has a problem;
every time he faces an adverse situation (as life usually throws at you) he
downs a bottle of cold beer. Hypothetical man Abe lives in a hypothetical
society where there are few problems that people face, so he isn’t a running-mad
alcoholic.
On a good Monday morning (hypothetical
society), birds chirping, sun blazing, kids running Abe gets ready for work.
His dear wife prepares the breakfast (feminists booing again, but I have
nothing against working women. This is purely theory). His daughter is ready
for school with a beaming smile on her face that could light the city of
Mumbai. He sets off in his electric hybrid car, considered cool where he’s
from, and reaches that same beautiful office, with the same beautiful desk and that
awesome computer sitting and waiting for him to just turn it on. Oh, dear Abe
was having the perfect day until his boss calls him, rather somber his voice
was. Abe was a non-complex hypothetical being so he went dashing at the call of
his beloved boss, ignoring the dark tone. A man so eager to report to duty,
Napoleon would bow. His boss looked at him, head cocked to one side and told
him the truth (that’s what hypothetical people do), that he wasn’t performing
up to the standard expected and he was being passed for promotion. Alas, that
beautiful Monday morning just turned blue for our hypothetical friend. He
skulked as he walked back morose to his desk, hopelessly working like a doomed
manic. In our world they would have some complicated psychological concept for
his situation but in theirs they called it “being upset”.
The nine hours of work seemed like twenty
and the heart felt heavy for Mr. Abe. What was he going to tell his wife, his
dear wife, who cooks that awesome meal that jazzes him up every morning? He
would never be able to afford the new toaster oven she wanted (again with the
feminists booing!), without risking his daughters education. Our lovable
hypothetical protagonist was placed in a hypothetical adverse situation. We,
being observers from a universe far off playing God to these simple minded
people, know for a fact that Abe would now douse his problem in a bottle of
beer; a nice cold beer. So Abe rides home, dejected, in his cool car and walks
in silently. His dear wife runs beaming toward him with a nice glass of orange
juice and some biscuits, eager to hear interesting tales of Abe’s day at work.
He looked aloof and distant walking past his wife as if he hadn’t noticed her.
The not-so-young woman stood perplexed, in fact she stood so still the orange
juice wasn’t even rippling in the glass. Five minutes after, just as silently
as he walked in, he walked out carrying with him a few cents for a pint of fine
Belgian beer.
Abe reached the bar and sat at his usual
table. Abe wasn’t a frequent customer but he had a usual table. [Folks, let me explain something about the special beer that
Abe drinks. Firstly it’s always Belgian. The size of the pint is however not
standard. Depending on dear Abe’s mood (level of upset) the size of the bottle
varies. The more upset he is the bigger the bottle] Today, as we are
playing God to Abe’s life, let’s asses his “level of upset” as six on a scale
of ten. The waitress, knowing Abe, assessed his “level of upset” as bartenders
there do and gave him his six/ten Belgian beer pint. Abe sat slowly sipping and
savoring the taste of sweet Belgian roll down his throat. Oh but he twist my
friends is that the bottle never got empty. As he doused the beer down, the
bottle filled up with black, thick smog. This smog represents his “upset”. Once
Abe had finished his six/ten Belgian beer, he was back to classic Abe; a swing
in his step, a new hope for tomorrow. But, as is routine the bottle must be
placed on the “line of upset”. Owing to small population of this hypothetical
place, every citizen had what is called a “line of upset”. It is a
chronological arrangement of every beer that every person has had when upset.
So Abe went and placed the bottle precisely where it should be placed on his
“line of upset”. He then looked up and was shocked to see at least a dozen
other bottles varying in sizes, all staring back at him thick black smog
inside. The very image was scary for Abe. What does a scared man do? He backs
away. Abe inched backward slowly, gazing constantly at the bottles. He relaxed
as the distance increased. Of course the bottles were still there but they
looked minuscule from this far so how could they affect him?
That, my dear audience, is what we men do.
Let me explain. To very simply put it we don’t solve our problems we distance
ourselves from it. We look at it once it’s away and it’s small, minuscule and
powerless. But, it still exists. The problem is still very real. So for all
those who think just because we men like to solve problems, we solve our own, please
stop. Here is the essential truth. We don’t. We refuse to confront it and make
it look so small that it sets in the back of our head slowly destroying our
cells just like alcohol (on excessive intake). We indulge in social activities
or vices to distance ourselves from the problems of our daily lives. The key to
“Why?” is because every problem requires some sort of emotional input. We fail to
assess this and leave the problem to settle at the back of our minds.
Understand that this is not true with every problem, but with most significant
problems. Like Abe getting passed for promotion. It is a big problem. Rather
than talking to his boss (most men may make one attempt at a five minute
conversation) he would prefer to accept it and sit back. This is why I said
stress due to women is not the biggest problem men face. These small instances
where men choose to ignore their problems lead to bigger psychological
problems, like depression, anger issues, emotional disconnection, addictions
etc.
Let it be clear that the above description
is a generic approach to solving a problem to a man. A similar approach can
also be used when dealing with people. Here, let me explain both positive and
negative impacts. Consider the case where two men are friends during college
but they lose touch for over twenty years. When they meet after this long a
period they revert back to twenty
years ago. Simply put the man rolls back every major change he made in his
life, essentially turns into a younger form of himself and reconnects. It’s
simple really, when the two friends lost connection is where the beer bottle is
placed. When they meet again, the man must essentially go back twenty years in
time to pick up the beer bottle and continue. The depth of this philosophy must
be understood to completely understand men. I repeat; men progress as
individuals. That is how they have been designed. There is no collective
maturity. No matter what path these two friends have taken in their lives, when
they finally meet they will essentially behave as the same losers they were
back when they were friends. I call this a “Mental Time Travel” phenomenon. Men
have the unique ability to put a full stop at a particular point and continue
from there. You’ll often find (I think) that when an “old friend” comes into a
man’s life his character changes (for better or worse) because he reverts and
continues from where the friendship stopped. The rate at which the change is
happening depicts how close the two were. So the wife of a man who is about to
meet his “old navy buddy” is in some deep trouble. The beauty is that the man
doesn’t even realize he is changing. It can be understood that that was
essentially him and the way he is behaving now would have been the way he would
have behaved had the two remained friends; the longer the period of distance,
the more dangerous the re-association. A college drunk, turned sober is very
likely to get drunk with his college buddy at a twenty year class reunion. It
is the process of rekindling a romance. Conversely if two men had a bad fall
out twenty years back (left unresolved) there is a very high chance that if the
two meet again neither will display the maturity that they have developed over
the years and a very prominent tension will fill the air. The same applies to
his past relationships. A woman from a man’s past would have changed
drastically and will not revert as
men do when meeting after prolonged absence but he will instantly revert to
that stage in his life when he met her and unknowingly start to show undue affection.
This happens. Again, I must emphasize that women are expected to be the
emotional pillar for men. This does not mean teaching them to cope with
situations but instead to teach them to solve it. Break those variant sized
bottles of beer that they have preserved at a distance. Only a woman can reach
that deep into a man where she can make him expel pent up emotion. Warning! No matter how much a man says “I’m over her”
the risk of reverting always exists and is a very real possibility. Yes,
definitely there are men who are capable of emotional control, letting the
bottle stand where it belongs. But, many men would love to pick up an old stale
bottle of beer and place it in the now.
This has been a broad classification of the
serious issues men face and the generic way in which they deal with it.
Following this we will see how two different personalities of men, introverts
and extroverts (courtesy Susan Cain), deal with each specific criteria of
stress.
Before
moving that let’s first take a look at introversion/extroversion in men
generally. No one is completely introverted or completely extroverted. Every
introvert does need some social stimulation and every extrovert does need
“time-off”. Since we’re primarily
looking at issues, let’s view the general differences in the way these two very
broad categories of men would assess and react at gun-point.
Introverts by nature are quiet, not shy.
They can be very vociferous when the situation demands it. In adversity they
prefer to be in a “traffic free” area. This is true for any situation, be it
positive or negative. They always prefer making a calculated decision as
compared to an “on the fly” process. More often than not their action is
inaction. At the end of the day we must act or make a physical plus mental
effort to solve, attempt to solve or distance ourselves from any given
scenario. In the case of an introvert his action is thinking. Hence, his action
is inaction. Creating a train of thought and rearranging the carriages to find
an optimal solution that is viable both socially, technically, financially etc.
This is tedious (very much so, personal experience) and time consuming. While
most of society (at least Western society, Eastern cultures have always
preferred introversion. Buddhism is an enormous example) is under the
assumption that introverts are being nonchalant, they are almost always wrong.
The introvert male (its true for all introverts, no matter the gender) is
displaying lower levels of emotion only because of his heightened cerebral
activity which impairs him expression-wise. Often you’ll find a far-away gaze
in their eyes, whenever you confront them with an issue. They’re going inward
to analyze the situation. The outcome of this analysis could be a beautifully
structured lie, which he had been practicing in his sub-conscious for weeks in
anticipation of the confrontation, or could be such a cold truth it will send
shivers down your spine. Note one thing though, any time an introvert gives an
immediate answer, it’s only because he’s been thinking about it a lot. He has
scripted every possible question and his self-justified answer for each of
those questions. In essence he creates a sizable question bank with solutions
based on his logic, in his head. Also, a good thing to know would be that
introverted men (at least the ones I know - hence the generalization) lean
towards a state organized mess. I am not sure if this is the case with
introverted women because my general observation is that women prefer neatness
(organized or unorganized). How does this help? Well, the degree of his
organized mess can give you some clue as to the depth or volume of his
thoughts. It’s simple really, thoughts are organized, but they’re scattered.
Different parts of the brain pick up different aspects of any given thought and
yet the thoughts pouring out are in relation to a single problem/situation.
Thoughts are organized but scattered. As an introvert is most comfortable in
his mind, he will set his surroundings to match the thought-map of his mind. Two
aspects of thought come up here, depth and volume. Depth of thought is how far
you can understand a specific subject matter. These introverts work on, what I
like to call, the “break down method”. Basically they will take any observation
or issue and break it into smaller parts and analyze each smaller part before
moving down one more level. In essence, he creates a decision tree by which he
can choose the right/optimal set of moves to make in order to correct a
situation. This kind of introvert will be organized but immensely messy. Here’s
why, as mentioned they break a problem and design an optimal solution. So a
simple task like picking up your pen before going to your desk, will involve a
series of possibilities. He’ll arrange the pen in such a way that it is in the
path to his desk there by making it easy for him to process the task, whereas
keeping the pen on the table may be too trivial. Albert Einstein (I think) cut
open two holes, one large and one small, at the bottom of his door; the large
door being for the full grown cat and the small one for the kitten. The man who
proved E = mc2 didn’t consider the logic that the smaller kitten
could fit through the large hole made for the fully grown cat. While
most people are sniggering at his ignorance, no one probably took the time to
calculate the number of times the kitten used the smaller door in comparison to
the larger one. My point here is that the second hole was unnecessary yes, but
was it ineffective? - An organized immense mess. Now, volume of thought; this
man is highly organized but not too much of a mess. The voluminous thinker
collects data. To analyze a situation he is more likely to use a simile than to
create an entire new solution on his own. Even if he does create a new
solution, it will be based on a series of references and logical inferences
from those references. So his thoughts are highly central, clear-cut and
directional. So everything that he has must have some kind of specific order
otherwise it becomes confusing. This is the introvert that will chronologically
arrange the books on the shelf (in order of
when he read it) providing easy access. He does not form a decision tree
like the deep thinker because he does not ponder on the smaller details of any
given problem, but enjoys a holistic knowledge on the topic. His mind is more
like an enormous library (at least the mind of an intellectual voluminous thinker).
The kink is in the way the books are ordered. The order from outside will seem
extremely random but ask him to pick a specific book off the shelf and he would
do so without looking at the shelf. Yes, this explanation makes introvert’s
look like philosophical scientists with a real depth to character and
personality. Not entirely true, though the process is complex to explain
introverts can range anywhere between asshole to God-like brilliant; basically
your entire human range. However, every introvert (depending on level of
introversion) will approach problems either through depth or volume in thought.
A combination of the two is rare but they definitely exist.
Extroverts are a lot less tricky to analyze
but, the catch is they are completely unpredictable. An introvert is organized
and messy. An extrovert is neither of these. This is the man of action. When
faced with adversity he wishes (courage is indifferent to
introversion/extroversion) to attack it head on and stand on top of the hill
hoisting his flag in victory. He basks in the glory and is well admired. Unlike
introverts there is no depth or volume associated with the thoughts of an
extrovert in the face of danger. He is a man of instinct and intuition. He
always prefers an “on the fly” move over the calculated measure. It gives him thrill. This is what an extrovert seeks,
thrill. Though thrill is subjective,
for an introvert his thoughts are his thrill, I’m aiming to explain the
physical and visible thrill. Thrill that pumps adrenaline. They love disorder.
These are free-spirited people who make everyone laugh and make an impressive
number of friends in a short period of time. Unlike the introvert who will
reach out for a helping hand only is he has reached the sleep-deprived state or
is simply lazy to do the calculating himself, the extrovert is more than happy
to indulge in social activity to make himself feel better; as Susan Cain said;
the great group-think. He is happy to find a viable solution by sharing his
burden with everyone. Yes, it is known that extroverts can be very deep people
and are less trusting with their personal emotional identities than introverts
but they share the burden without giving the juicy details. Here is where the
extroverts are completely different from introverts; they need things to be
explicit. They do not enjoy nor understand the finer details, the writing
between the lines. They have no patience for it. If the cards are out on the
table they can create quick solutions which are most probably temporary and very
role-specific. Let me explain, an introvert (lost in joy and thought) is going
to think of a general solution which will work at different percentages for
different people. This is because he is observant.
Again I am talking in generic terms. There can be observant extroverts but
extroverts in general are self-absorbed. They like the feeling of control and
enjoy “basking in glory”. To them every mild achievement is something enormous
because they do not compare themselves with the general populous; this can be a
positive thing except in the case that involves a competitor. As there isn’t
much detail in the thought framework of extroverts it is simpler to explain a
generic way that extroverts will handle a situation. When faced with an issue,
first and foremost they assess the situation by looking only at the cards on
the table. They do not crave any kind of deep knowledge. They just want this
done with. Once they read the explicit cards they pill a Hollywood and “do what
they do best” which is mostly talk their way out of it, switch subject of
discussion or confuse the other parties. This is in case of negative issues
only. Positive issues (don’t have an example but am sure such a thing exists)
only boost their self-esteem and they enjoy sharing their achievement with the
rest of their world. This is actually a beautiful complement to the introvert
character. Understand that two
extroverts can become exceedingly close friends and know very little about each
other. They do not concern themselves with knowledge of each other. Two
introverts can become brothers in arms but only over a period of deep,
stimulating conversations. They need depth, they need to see and analyze
everything. An extrovert and introvert can end up being the perfect
combination. An introvert is not afraid of pointing out the truth about someone
else; criticism is a positive trait for them because where would progress be
without criticism? Extroverts are more open to eating insults and critical
remarks because of a heightened self-image. So essentially an introvert can
help an extrovert in personal matters and an extrovert can help introverts in
social matters (the ideal wing man).
[NOTE: I am not very clear on the nature of
extroverts and that’s why there isn’t and probably won’t be as much detail into
their outlook.]
For the sake of simplicity, let’s summarize
Introverts:
1. They prefer solitude.
2. They tend to form solutions from
observations and speculation and hence are able to produce a more generalized
solution to even personal level problems.
3. They have deep/voluminous
thought process.
Extroverts:
1. They enjoy groups/social
atmosphere.
2. They form solutions which are
self-specific. The solutions they derive will usually be explained as, “You
know what I did was…<content>”.
3. They require explicit information
in order to come up with a functional solution. In other words a very surface thought process.
Now, finally we can come to how these two
broad categories of male individuals behave under stress.
There is no particular, universal or
conventional example which we can take in order to explain the differences
between the two ideals. So I’m going to go with random examples and explain, to
the best of my knowledge, how they would ideally react. This can be expanded
and based on observations collected
into a generic form by other people. It’s not my job.
The Family
Stress:
Introverts:
Firstly, it is imperative to observe
that life with an introvert is difficult only
in the initial stages after which it becomes very easy because his quirks
become predictable with a dash of variety. After a prolonged exposure such as
in marriage you’ll find yourself saying, “I knew it…” every time he attempts to
surprise you. Surprisingly, this does not put him off as from his perspective you
saying “I knew it…” is a godsend sign that you have finally understood his
complex thought process and even more multifarious emotional process.
Now let us ponder on the meaning of
“family” from the perspective of an introvert. He doesn’t necessarily see
family as a threat to his independence; considering that he was never a social
person and was always independent despite any kind of social pressure this is
understandable. He sees family as more of a responsibility. It is a
responsibility he has carefully scanned and inspected before sitting down and
making a plan. The plan will involve two general phases; phase one is before
marriage and phase two is after marriage. Contrary to popular belief the
introvert male is not “afraid” of commitment; it comes easily to him in fact;
through sudden deep conversations which may amaze the woman at any point during
the course of their friendship. It’s often the partners’ perception of his
nonchalant and near expressionless behavior that creates doubt. The day you
came into his life he has already set a plan in motion and is very serious
about making it work.
Let’s take a random example where an
extrovert woman is married to an introvert male and have two children a boy and
a girl. The boy is extroverted in nature while the girl is introverted. It will
be very evident that the man will have a unique connection with the father and
he will respond very smoothly to this unique connection. Understand he is not
showing preference, when it comes to who deserves the chocolate he will make a
very impartial judgment and the introverted daughter will not have a problem
with this and will grow up to incorporate impartial justice whenever she needs to.
One of the major problems that this
introverted man will face is the dejection his son feels. His son being an
extrovert will always attempt to make his daddy proud. This child need not do
so but it is his nature. The introverted father is difficult to fool with cute
smiles and unnecessary tantrums. He has a code. He understands the
responsibility at a deeper level and is not about to make any amendment to his
code in life because a baby cries for a chocolate bar he said no to (although
sometimes he makes an exception or two). The extrovert boy craves attention
which the father doesn’t provide, not because of any form of reluctance but it
is not in his nature to do the same. He enjoys watching his son move around and
pick up objects. The curiosity of his child will excite his senses and it is
when he takes the maximum notice of the extroverted child. So the child
continues to prick his every curiosity as he grows up blaming his father for
showing lack of interest. How would this introverted man handle this scenario?
He simply won’t. Like I said, he has a strong sense of responsibility and will
deliver impartial justice. His mind works better than his “heart”. So come that
day when the son finally blames the dad for all his faults you’re more likely
to hear an answer along the lines, “Take responsibility for your actions. Blame
me, that’s ok, but remember that you had a choice and will continue to have
certain choices where you would do better by making the right choice”
regardless of the fact that he has never explicitly (necessity for extroverts)
thought the child what the right choice means. This man does have one
advantage, an extroverted wife. She will be the backbone in the relationship
between the father and son when the start to take different paths. No matter
what though, daddy will go running when his boy calls out for help;
responsibility. The wife’s role in this bond is integral, she must constantly
remind her husband to pay more attention to the boy and she must constantly
tell the boy, on behalf of her introverted (idiotic) husband, that “Daddy is
proud of you”. Obviously now you would have guessed that the wife will generate
certain issues pertaining to his “partiality”. This angers him more, because he
has a strict code which involves zero tolerance for partiality and here, his
wife, is “accusing” him of abandonment and being inconsiderate. How would he
handle this? Over a period of time he will understand the necessity of
explanation. He will verbally communicate and list out everything that he has
observed and what he has planned for the boy. Why didn’t he do this earlier,
why wait for the situation to spiral nearly out of control? That is the way he
likes it, organized and messy.
Extroverts:
Extroverts have a very different
concept of family all together. To an extrovert male, who is a man of action,
he does not see family as a responsibility, at least not in entirety. He
believes in spontaneity and his nature is very unpredictable. The family will
always look colorful from the outside; most of the time they will seem cheery
and very approachable and likable. Even the introverts in the family will show
some kind of outward nature. Basically, this man can be contagious.
Sounds perfect doesn't it? What
could go wrong with a man who everyone is comfortable with; openly loving, very
affectionate and unpredictable? Nothing really, in an ideal world he would be
the perfect husband. Understand that extroverts are outward people, they direct
everything outside. If this man is prone to depression then most likely he will
make life hell for everyone in the household. But, that’s a problem and not a
stress factor.
The kind of stress that this charmer
would face will mostly arise from lack of planning. “Enjoy today like it’s your
last day” works for only so long. While the introvert will worry about future
financials of the family, the extrovert is less likely to do so. This means
when he in a financial slump and the family is barely making ends meet, he can
end up making things worse by developing serious habits. Suddenly this
happy-go-lucky man begins a phase of anti-social extrovert behavior. Like I
mentioned earlier the cards need to be out on the table for him. If this man
has an introverted wife, most likely they will not be in a financial desert.
However, if she is an extrovert, the probability increases by at least two
fold.
Note
that there is very low chance of his family disliking him or failing to
understand him; for a man that would regularly encourage family-time, group
activities and intervention like meetings, appreciation is easy. Sometimes
because of over-appreciation he becomes overconfident and may make a stupid
move. He is less likely to have a backup job plan because his outward nature
brings him so much attention he fails to see the possibility of him losing his
job even to bad economy.
How will he handle all this? He is
an extroverted male; he will effectively “do what he does best”. He is a scary
practitioner of on-the-fly ideals. If he loses a job, unlike the introvert who
may have a backup job possibility of some kind of investment scheme, your
extroverted husband may open a hot dog stand (exaggeration). His cheery nature
will attract customers. People may even become regulars; like I said, man of
action. He hasn't considered his children’s college fund has he? The hot dog
stand is doing brilliantly well for the mortgage and the car and the remainder
of their basic needs. He hasn't considered the big picture. When confronted
with this he would most likely say, “We’ll worry about it when we get there” –
and he will worry, but trust him to find a way because he will. That’s part of
being a man introverted or extroverted.
The Job
security Stress:
I do not have to separate the
introvert from the extrovert her as this is universal in the world of men. Both
these men do not have the necessary control over this scenario because it
depends so much on economy and the company in itself. However, they do have
different approaches to the issue. As I had done, when I explained this stress
scenario earlier, I’m going to consider single men who have very few or no
responsibilities at all. This is because job security comes under family stress
once a man enters wedlock. When an introvert gets into the situation where he
is unsure about his job, it will affect him more due to the fact that his
endless planning just came crashing down like a demolished building. The
probability of him having a job the next day is subject to too many significant
variables making it near impossible for him to deduce an outcome based on which
his next series of actions will be planned. In this scenario he is most like
going to become unorganized and messy as compared to organized and messy
earlier. His tendency towards mild addictions will shoot through the roof.
Smoking in particular is a high possibility because in order to think one must
kill anxiety and smoking does exactly that, numbs the anxiety (personal
experience – stress is easier to handle with a cigarette). An extrovert on the other hand is more suited
to this situation; him being a man of action and unpredictability. He may even
enjoy the anxiety or in his case adrenaline rush from that stress. This in no
way changes his ability to perform. An introvert will most likely under-perform
under this situation because he has spent too much thought energy on setting up
a backup plan. Effectively in such a scenario, the extrovert will appear less
disgruntled and approachable. The introvert will maintain a constant quizzical
look and will rarely feel at ease even momentarily. That’s the issue, so now
how do they handle it? The introvert will usually attempt to prepare several
backup plans based on various probabilities he has deduced over the few days of
hard thinking and smooth cigarettes. He will also make smart financial
decisions like live in a smaller place, save money on a monthly basis, cook his
own food and use the public transport. Physical discomfort is not a problem for
this man; the man who lives inside his own head. The extrovert on the other
hand may do the complete opposite. He may move into a bigger place, eat
exquisite food, blow money on parties and buy a new car. This is his attempt at
living a “full life” when he has the chance. Each has its merits and demerits
and it is basically a personal life-choice. But, in summary it can be said that
the extrovert “suffers” lesser because of this stress with a “silver lining” attitude.
For the introvert however, the silver lining can wait; he’s in it for the long
haul.
The Job
Stress:
Here again it will be easier to
explain without classification. If job security stress was the winning hand for
extroverts, then job stress is where introverts hit the jackpot. This stress is
not only easy for him it is also good for him. Job stress for introverts will
almost always have a positive effect considering he is satisfied with the job,
at least a little. Extroverts do not fare as well in this regard. They like
happy-go-lucky. The only way an extrovert can enjoy job stress is if he is a
hundred percent satisfied with his job; rarely the case. Under these conditions
the extrovert is exposed to a hostile work environment. They need an outlet to
discuss their problems thorugh casual ranting. The problem is there is no one
else who can give him the right impetus to work. He is truly disgruntled.
Expressive as they are, they end up creating bad scenarios for themselves;
arguments with the boss or colleagues, unnecessary anger pangs at home. The
introvert is the kind of man who can leave work at the office, if not entirely
then definitely partially. He does not carry that weight everywhere. He has a
characteristic way of calming himself in front of avoidable danger or a
high-strung situation. It is stress although and there are demerits even for
the introvert. It is true that introverts are known to have long spans of
concentration but even this limit is limited and generally never covers the
entire day of work. They can focus hard on any given issue for a period after
which their thought process needs to rejuvenate. How does he rejuvenate? – On
his own. In today’s work culture there is very little space for “me time”. This
may cause decreased efficiency in your typical introverted employee. This is
temporary and can easily be overcome if he can find even a few minutes to be
with himself and focus on random objects of no concern. An example for this
would be how some employees go for a cigarette break on their own or make an
excuse to visit the ATM for no reason and on the way to the ATM he just notes
the clothes people are wearing or how cloudy it is. What this does is relax his
thought process, like how the RAM in a computer can get overloaded and shut
down the system. After all, the human brain is a very complex computer. How
would an extrovert handle this kind of stress? Repetitive work routine and
equal dosage of pressure everyday weakens a man. He attempts to break routine
once in a while, rejuvenating some of his lost enthusiasm that people adore. In
both cases it is about “me time”. Essentially to handle work stress better,
both personalities need to occasionally if not always come to a place where
they are comfortable enough to let off some steam.
The
Primal Stress:
This is slightly interesting. The
stress works quite differently in both these personalities.
Introverts:
In general, for a man who is almost
always lost in thought and contemplation, it may seem logical that he would be
less concerned if not unconcerned about his physical appearance. This is
however, not true. Any sensible introvert knows that physical satisfaction can
lead to a more spaced mind because you have one less thing to worry about. They
know this but don’t do anything about it. These are (in most cases) idealist
people and are very likely to be physically imperfect. Very few introverts have
a uniquely attractive physique. This will be the case if the introvert choses
to look at physical development as beyond a physical act and appreciates its
smaller intricacies like how diet can alter the rate of metabolism. Even then
due to constant experimentation he will end up mostly losing focus on the task
at hand, building a physique, and discuss his findings as some sort of leisure
research activity. Most introverts that people generally meet are either
underweight or overweight. This is plainly because he prefers to live in a
place of creative imagination and not in the physical reality “normal” people
exist in. Ask an introvert to go to the gym and his response will either be,
“Yeah I will” with a completely lackadaisical tone or, “Why should I?” to him
his body is functioning fine with the four hours of sleep, eating in irregular
intervals, binge drinking with buddies and colossal physical strain he has put
it through. His body is a vehicle to carry what he considers most important;
his mind. Also, these men are not big on the whole social image. They are often
eccentric, bordering mental retardation.
The above is in the case of an extremely
introvert person, relax some of the description to fill in the space between
totally introvert to mildly introvert.
How does he handle it? Simple, there are
two ways he can handle it. He either completely justifies to himself that
physical fitness and an overall appealing physique is not of primary importance
or he incorporates it as part of a daily routine to give a break to his
perpetual thinking habit.
Extroverts:
These are social men. They concern
and pride themselves in being appreciated by the general public. They enjoy a
vast set of friends and have a better response to crowds. The last thing an
extrovert wants to be is insecure, especially about the way he looks. He makes
a serious effort to either improve or perfect his physical form. This way he attains
the absolute confidence that he needs to be a prominent and dominant social
weapon. It is easier for him because this man is not worried as to “How?” or
“Why?” when it comes to fitness. He wants results and he is prepared to put in
the time. Satisfactory is not enough for this man, he needs above and beyond
satisfactory; he needs awesome. It will cement his dominance in social groups;
if it doesn't do that he at least made sure that he is never overlooked.
Extroverts are those men in sports who play with flair and focus on how good he
looks while doing something; the essential difference between James Hayden and
Nikki Lauda.
The extrovert handles this stress by
giving it importance and taking it as a challenge. It is another achievement
for him.
The Woman Stress:
Firstly, understand that I am at a
slight loss here. I really don’t know exactly how anyone would handle this
stress. I do now that there is a bad way and a good way. Lack of personal
experience makes it unclear. I’ll try and point out what I observed from the
hundreds of stories I've heard though.
For any man (introvert, extrovert
whatever) women are going to be (if not were or are) a form of stress. As
confirmed by a friend of mine, women seek emotional satisfaction more than
logical satisfaction (if I can call it that). For men everything has an agenda;
could be fixing a pipe to launching a rocket. Everything needs a series of
steps carefully executed with the proper amount of detail and dedication. For
women everything is an event (for lack of a better word). They articulate
various instances and issues that they have with the aim that we solely listen.
As explained earlier, when we listen we've already asked ourselves “What’s the
agenda?” and more often than not the story veers off point and we lose our
entire focus. Funny thing is women can somehow switch topics very quickly for
brief periods of time. They start talking about one thing; suddenly bring in a
series of unrelated questions about how the meal is, come back to what they
were initially saying and move on. You can see how confusing it gets. Point is
that’s their design, we wouldn't want it any other way otherwise all women
would be men and that’s not a nice thought.
Introverts and extroverts have very
distinct ways of handling situations with regard to women. I can think of two
separate generic ways introverts handle the stress. One of them is very simple,
they listen (they’re very good at it). They just keep listening, so intently
that you won’t be able to confirm if he’s breathing. When you question their
attention, they usually get angered (in a mild “How dare you?” way) and repeat
everything you said in shocking detail. The point here is that introverts are
absolutely ok with just listening. They've formed a reliable solution in their
heads but they feel no need to share it. They do, if they feel the woman is
indirectly asking for a solution but in general they tend to just shut up and
smile, sipping their scotch.
Extroverts hate listening, they hate
that attention is taken away from them. These are the people who will most
often poke fun, at what you say. They always aim to keep the situation as light
as possible. They don’t do well in intense situations.
An introvert being a good listener
is probably good in an intense situation right? This statement is only partly
true. It depends on what the woman is looking for. If she wants just a listener
who would, at the end of her speech, provide a few words of comfort; then yes
an introvert is best suited; if she is looking for a romantic outburst,
definitely not. If she is not looking for an objective view with random
examples and theoretical philosophy, then also no. This is a thinking man; give
him enough room to think and he will make her problem seem so minute and
far-off, insignificant even, that the woman will feel devalued; like she is his
experimental lab rat. Cure for the itch; be clear with what you want. It
doesn't have to be explicitly said; in fact if its cryptic he’ll understand it
better.
What kind of situation would best
suit an extrovert? - Since introverts take up compassionate listening and
objective judgments. Extroverts, I think, are best suited to entertain. If she
is looking for fun and excitement with a lot of variety and possibly a strange
new experience; extroverts are the bunch. They enjoy travel, trying new foods,
jumping off high towers, parties and best of all her friends will enjoy his
company as well. In effect the woman never has to feel awkward and he prefers
“not awkward”. Where he fails is intimacy. No not in the bedroom, that has
nothing to do with personality. They fail to make deep conversations (unless
planned, like on a date) with the woman. They fail to take her out of reality;
sweep her off her feet. With an extrovert she’s always grounded, cemented to
the reality of the real world; sometimes when her mind needs to travel,
extroverts gear up for the drama.
As I mentioned at the beginning, I
repeat, the stress due to women affect the male psyche the least. Then why are
there so many adverse reactions to a simple break-up or fall out. Communication
flaws make up for most of it. Another part is the emotional requirement of
women. They command it. They make us sweat. A man feels he is defined by his
work; his friends never care if he cheats, they may say something about it but
essentially they don’t care. He isn’t needed to be sentimental. He makes an
attempt with a woman, he tries sympathy, he tries empathy, and compassion etc.
all those complicated things that logic cannot explain. He learns some of it,
around fifteen to twenty percent. Generally the E.Q of a man is very low. This
is why the reaction to a fall-out with a woman is adverse. Men can have the I.Q
of Albert Einstein but possess the E.Q of a rat. At the first sign of trouble,
his I.Q is forming a logical argument and she says something like, “You never
care” and he’s thinking of a list of things that proves that he cares (both
extroverts and introverts). That’s not what she’s asking for is she? She wants
you to show some emotion at that second. She crosses the line intentionally,
she hurts you where you feel it, wontedly, because you have simplified the
equation but she hasn't. She’s doing “all the work”.
Here’s how an introvert will handle
it. He would bombard her with a series of questions. He won’t give much time
for her to answer those questions. Here is his objective. He’s a thinking man
so his idea is very basic – “If she expects emotion out of you and you can’t
deliver; implicitly show her how out of your comfort zone she has pulled you” –
What’s the best way to do that? – Ask her to display logic. Logic so powerful
it would shake her very mind to exhaustion. It’s cruel at a level, but it’s a
survival tactic. The other thing he would do is, shrug. He probably has other
problem like finding the exact word in a crossword or what repair work his car
needs. Basically distract or ignore. This is a general case only. People react
very differently in these scenarios.
Now the extrovert; this is probably
like a simile to job stress for him. He has to outperform the woman.
Maintaining a dominating presence or to better put it, ensure his presence is
felt, he will use verbal force. He has to emphasize that she is not the only
one with the problem. He has one or many as well. The argument there is not
about “comfort zone” because she is people, he is comfortable around people.
He’s probably so used to handling rough arguments with such a diverse variety
of people he (strangely enough) has a plan. He will use the exact words she
wants to hear and calm her down. If there’s one thing that introverts can learn
from an extrovert, its argument.
*******************
That is in totality what I can
assess right now, off the top of my graying head, what kinds of stress men face
and how they tend to generally manage it.
Have A
Good Day!!
