His Broken Mirror

            The things he had seen were beyond his own wildest imaginations. Luke was gone, finally. He was relieved and yet he was also morose. Luke was his best friend, his confidante. He had protected him, always. Now, he had run away. With Luke gone, he felt lonely. A part of him was lost and it left an enormous, gaping hole in his brittle heart. Could Luke have been saved? That was a question he would never be able to answer, not anymore, not since Luke left his side. As he sat in his dingy room, lights out, he reflected upon Luke and reminisced all their inglorious moments together. They said he was insane. Who were they to mark him as anything, let alone insane?

********

Three months ago:

He lay wide awake staring at the blank ceiling. It was another wall to him, another boundary, another way for a world full of unimaginative mongrels to strap him to an unjust and ubiquitous reality. They said he was deranged. They said he was retarded. It was they who were retarded and deranged, oh yes, it was they. What did they know? They couldn’t possibly comprehend his world. Who were they to mark him as anything, let alone insane? He lay wide awake staring at the ceiling; just another wall that trapped him, he smiled ear-to-ear at the thought. He was strong and courageous, he was invincible. They could lock him away in a box for as long as they wished but he would not, for the life of it, admit defeat. He hadn’t blinked in hours, his eyes burned; the pain demanding he shut them despite which they were open and they would remain open. He would keep them open else they would win, he couldn’t have that – no, they couldn’t win, shouldn’t win, they wouldn’t win. He was not going to allow the oppressed to rule him, his freedom. He was free and they would never be capable enough to rip him of it.

His head turned right and there too was a wall, its resemblance to the ceiling uncanny. It was the same white, made of the same stone and equidistant from where he lay to that ceiling -- another wall which trapped him. “Just” he said taking his time between each word, “another wall.” His head turned left, there it was again; the same white wall made of the same stone but, this was closer and he could see the shadow of his weak soul on it, staring back at him. The wall nearly kissed his face; he could feel the heat in his breath as it ricocheted off the wall and slapped his face hard. It was his third day lying awake in that same room, with those same walls. The stone, on which he lay, was cold and dry. He shivered as it sent repetitive lacerating chills up and down his spine each time with increased intensity, each time numbing his senses momentarily, but the cold never bothered him – he was fearless. He was free, oh yes he was, and no one was ever going to take that away from him; his wings may have been ripped off his back, and his back may have been broken but he was free and he would stay free. 

He continued shifting his head; facing the ceiling then the right wall and then the left wall as the clock sung tick-tock, mocking him as the walls ate away his life. He tried moving his arms; they had been too still for far too long and they rested cross on his chest, as he lay wide awake staring at the walls, eyes dry and burning in that same room, for the third day. He stretched but his hands would not release from that crossed position. They seemed tied down. He grew agitated. The oppressed, unimaginative mongrels had tied him down. How dare they? He attempted to stretch his hands again but they would not budge. He was free though, he had to be free, else what was the point? No, no, he was free; he was that black bird flying through the night sky undeterred by even the light of the moon. These beasts wouldn’t have it, not his freedom no! Who were they to break him? Who were they to rip his wings? He thrashed in protest, jerking his arms violently as he did so, attempting to move them. They wouldn’t budge. “I am free” he whispered to himself, “I am free.” He continued thrashing, rolling left to right as the force of his arms dragged him. “I am FREE!” he began to yell as he thrashed fiercely, the rebel in him growing stronger as blood pounded in his head; so hard it hurt him. He began to laugh hysterically but softly. As his fervent thrashing grew stronger, his laughter grew louder, drooling from the sides of his mouth -- his dry, burning eyes – tearing, oozing partially dry mucus through his flaring nostrils. “I AM FREE!” he yelled again.

There was a bang and suddenly he saw dark figures above him; the shadows of them; those who tied him down, the ones who took away his wings. “NO!” he yelled, “You will not! Not again!” he bellowed, as he continued his hysterical laughter, echoing off those walls – the walls that trapped him. One of the shadows held him down with a force he never knew existed and the other had an object in its hand. “NO! NO! NO!” he protested, vigorously shaking and thrashing to break free from the grip of the monster that held him, as he knew that object in the other shadows hand, he had seen it one too many times before. It was all they had against him, all they had used to rip his wings apart, to break his back and to paralyze his arms. It was all they needed to rip his freedom from him, like tearing flesh from bone; it was the knife, that same knife they used to cut pieces of his life apart, the one they used to tear his wings, the one they used to rip his arms off. He was free, he would rebel, he would give them war; he would die fighting. They can tear his wings, his limbs and they can even rip his mind into mere fragmented shreds of flesh but, they could never rip his spirit for that was free and if he needed to forsake his body to protect it, he would do so – gladly. He kicked, screamed and yelled. The shadow holding him down now intensified his already dominating and powerful force. He choked on his mucus, on his drool, on his tears -- his breath unable to come clear through the passageways of his diminishing strength. He spat and the specks flew across the room in all directions, he needed air, he needed to breathe to be free, they were choking him, they were choking the freedom out of him, those foul shadows! His face now wet with his own mucus, tears and drool -- he was helpless, he was not free. The shadows, they owned him, they owned his being, and they had succeeded in imprisoning him in entirety. He gave one last effort, he kicked and screamed but it was in vain, the shadows were too powerful, too dark for his deliberately diminishing light. The other shadow brought down the knife and plunged it into his chest, right through his heart, so deep he felt his soul twinge. He screamed as the pain seared through his chest into his very bones and spread through his weak and already disfigured body. Yet he was not dead. His breathing became softer and the blur began to clear. What was this? What was this place? What were they doing to him? Where there were shadows now stood two people, they were wearing what looked like nurse’s uniforms and one of them held a syringe loosely dangling between her fingers. Over the pounding in his head, he heard one of them say something. He couldn’t grasp the whole statement – too weary for that -- but he was certain he heard, “Doctor…patient…needs rest…” It couldn’t be. He was free! He was supposed to be free! What hell had they brought him to? He was the bird, that black bird that flew through the night sky, undeterred by the light of the moon; or was he? Now, he had lost his wings but, did he ever have them? He wept as he came to terms with his reality; he was and henceforth would never be, free.

********

Three days ago:

            He watched keenly as they frolicked around. The game room was full, as usual, between the hours of four-thirty and six-thirty. It was the only time any of them really saw any of the others. Some had made associates, others accomplices to their vivid imaginations, and others still (very few of them) made friends. The institute had now become his home and all those in it were his “family”, or so they wanted him to believe. He found it difficult to associate himself with any of these ludicrous monkeys as they yapped about rainbows, attempted to predict the weather, read books in groups or played a hand of poker. The lack of sophistication at any level was disturbing and abusive to his senses. No, he was not one of them. He was unique and special. He knew that, for it was certain, he could feel it in his blood. He was above the whimsical fancies of the common lunatic. He had been deemed insane by the insane; just as expected from an unaccepting society.

            “It’s your turn mister” said a kind looking nurse. One of the very few people he respected. There was an elegant aura that surrounded her which enticed him. It reminded him of Sarah. It was in the small things, the way her hair was neatly strapped, the way she consistently-- without fail, everyday-- organized the medicine, the way her uniform was always neat and tidy but, most of all, it was in her tone. She was genuinely kind. He rarely disobeyed her orders. As she had said, it was his turn, so he simply nodded and stood up to follow. She led him through the game room, past the visitor hall and took a right to face a wooden door on which the plaque read: “Dr. Janice Brody”

            “Come in” ushered Dr. Brody as the kind nurse knocked the door. “You’re five-o-clock ma’am” she said, her right hand holding the door knob and her left pointing, respectfully, at him. Dr. Brody nodded and he walked straight in. He took a few moments to stare around the office, absorbing the minute details – the color of the tables, the seats, the lines of books shelved neatly. The room even had a window, cheerfully lighting the floorboards with the evening light. “Please have a seat” Dr. Brody insisted. He liked her tone; she too had similar qualities to the kind nurse. He did as she had kindly pleaded, perching himself on the comfortable leather cushion.

            “So, how’s your stay been so long?” she asked beaming at him, her perfectly aligned teeth, reassuring him that he may trust her. He gently nodded and replied, “Pleasant.” It had been anything but pleasant. The bathrooms constantly reeked of urine, and the food was miserable, the beds were but made of bricks. Yet, he chose to be polite to someone with Dr. Brody’s charm. “Good, good” she said and began to flip through a series of pages inside a folder on her lap. Her smile began fading as she read through each page and just about disappeared as she reached the eighth page. He wasn’t sure what was bothering her and so he obliged himself to be courteous, “Anything the matter Miss?” She stared at the page for a few more seconds before replying, “No, everything’s just dandy.” He could literally smell the strain in her voice. She was lying to him.

            “My dear, old pal, she knows about us” said Luke, “I can smell it!” he was angry, Luke was always angry. “We don’t know that” he told Luke and forced a smile on his face. Dr. Brody stared at him with a rather quizzical expression on her face, vaguely searching the room. He did not appreciate it. Maybe Luke was right, maybe she did know about them. “I’m telling you, she knows!” Luke repeated. But he wanted to be sure. He needed to be sure. She continued staring at him, her eyes now showing slight signs of worry. He bent down, curling his hands over his head, “This isn’t the time Luke. Nothing has happened.” Luke laughed, the laugh echoed in his head, the pitch increasing, “Mary had a little lamb, little lamb…” Luke began to sing. He couldn’t take it, not that song, “STOP!” he yelled covering his ears. Dr. Brody reacted to the shouting, she cowered. “You see friend, I told you, she knows! Would you like her to dig deep, find out about how bloody the lamb got?” Luke asked. Luke was right, there was too much she might know but, he had to tread carefully.

            “Mister…” Dr. Janice began but he cut her off, “Oh, please continue.” She seemed a bit distressed. Could she know? If so, how could she know? He had to be certain. “Let me out!” Luke demanded. He remained silent, ignoring Luke and his paranoia. “I’m just curious, I heard you talking to Luke. Who is that?” she straightened herself on her seat and smiled as she asked the question. “Oh no, no, no doctor.” He replied clicking his tongue while shaking his head – slowly-- a demonic, evil sparkle in his eyes. “I told you she knew!” Luke said venomously, gritting his teeth. “Not yet Luke” he said patiently in a menacingly calm tone as he watched the color drain from Dr. Brody’s face. The doctor was perplexed, she had treated similar patients before but, there was deep malignance in his words; it was effervescent with death. “Ok” she squeaked, the fear in her voice was so eminent even a three-year-old boy would have sniffed it out, “Let’s talk about Sarah then.” The name sparked a dangerous rage in him, his eyes turned blood-red, and his breath hot and his body so tight, he thought it would snap. “How do you know?” he asked, shivering in fury. She moved uncomfortably in her chair, outbursts of anger were common in therapy but this was beyond normal; it sucked the warmth in the air and gave birth to an icy chill, “It’s in your file.” She said.  “I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! It’s her isn’t it? Sarah, it’s her playing games with you my friend” Luke voiced out. He couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be, or was it? How was he not seeing it? Luke had seen it; he had seen it much before anyone else. How?

            “Is everything ok?” she squeaked, her pitch higher this time. “It can’t be!” he said. But, Luke was right; it was her all over again. It was Sarah! The fuel kept pouring into the flame, the rage now so hot he was sweating, his face livid; he saw red. Within an instant he had lunged from his seat, his hands outstretched as he landed square in front of her and clenched her throat, squeezing it, feeling the blood in her veins pulsating against his hands. She was frail, she was weak. What could she do? His force was tremendous and his anger even greater. “That’s enough Luke!” he said but Luke wouldn’t stop; the squeezing just got harder, her face almost blue. She got bluer as the seconds ticked by. Luke was laughing, that same laugh that echoed through his head. “Let her go Luke!” he demanded but Luke remained vengeful. “Mary had a little lamb…” he began to sing as he choked her, watching the life drain from her eyes as her pupils contracted to a dot. Her nostrils began to bleed, and Luke laughed even harder, menacingly, it tore through his head, echoing bouncing off the walls of his skull. “Luke STOP!” he yelled and finally Luke let her go and she dropped to the ground. He stood over her, sweating, hoping beyond hope that she would be fine; she was breathing. Luke simply laughed and continued to sing, “Mary had a little lamb…” The malevolent laughter resounding in his head as he fell face-flat next to the good doctor’s feet.

            He woke up after what seemed like hours in a room, staring at the ceiling, unable to move. He was groggy; Luke always made him weary and frail. “Just another wall” he said to himself, taking his time with each word, as he fell back to slumber; the laughter now a distant echo in his head. “Mary had a little lamb…”

                                                                        ********

Three Years Ago:

            The little girl sat in her room, playing with her dolls. Her favorite was the Mary doll with her little, fluffy lamb -- lying across the room. She crawled over to the doll and began to play, all the while singing her favorite song, “Mary had a little lamb…” when all of a sudden she heard a deafening scream. The shrillness made her quiver with fear, her skin riddled with goose-bumps. She held Mary close to her chest, hugging the doll hard, hoping for some form of comfort, which chose to elude her. She heard the scream again, the voice – why was it so familiar? She heard the front door of her house burst open, failing miserably to muffle the scream, and a dim light grazed her window. She was drawn to it, for an unknown reason. She moved towards the window, the dim yellow light beckoning her. She climbed the stool nearby and peeped outside the window. The screams grew louder and the voice more familiar and she saw it, the source of the screams. There on her front yard was a woman, on fire. On the ground she rolled in an attempt to douse the flames, screaming and screaming. The little girl was scared, but she couldn’t avert her eyes. Something was drawing her to that burning woman; she felt a gut-wrenching urge to help the woman ablaze. One last scream before the woman stopped moving and the flames continued to burn through her flesh, now effortlessly. The little girl, clutching her Mary doll ever so tightly, realized why she was drawn to the burning corpse. It was her mother. Another voice became clear, a man’s voice, her father’s as he yelled, “No! Sarah!”

            He was devastated. Why had she done this? Sarah had seemed out of sorts for a while, but he had never known her to be capable of such atrocity. He sat there, on his porch, staring at the burnt corpse of his beloved wife as the neighbors peeped out of their windows, through the blinds, at a distance. Nobody seemed to be doing anything about it. “It was all for the best, my friend” said Luke. He couldn’t see it. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend how it could have been for the best. All he could see was the flame, the bright light as it ate away her beautiful skin, her flesh, slowly turning her bone to ash. “It was all for the best” Luke repeated. “How is this for the best?” he retorted. “She knew old pal” Luke said, “She knew too much. It had to be done!” Luke’s voice remained cold and menacing. “You did this?” he asked. Luke remained silent. “Answer me!” he couldn’t shout, he was too wrapped in grief and he had not the energy for it. “Yes. This was my work” Luke replied, his tone bereft of even a hint of remorse. “Why Luke why?” he cried, hoping the answer would bring him some solace. “She knew too much my boy” Luke replied, the tone remaining cold, “she had to go!” the answer brought him no peace. He couldn’t understand the threat. Luke seemed to understand – Luke did understand, yes. Luke must be right. Sarah had to go. Luke had never failed him, had always looked out for his best interests. His freedom must have been on the line, hanging by a thread. She was extra weight, a burden unnecessary – he saw it now, he comprehended. He grew relaxed, “Now you see, don’t you my dear friend?” Luke said, his pitch growing higher as he began to laugh. He couldn’t laugh though, not along with Luke, he loved his wife but, as Luke had said, she knew too much. As the peace crept in through the labyrinth of his pain, he heard a small voice behind him, “Daddy…”

            She watched her father; talking to the one he called Luke. She had seen it before, many times. Her father turned around slowly, his eyes visible over the hunch of his shoulder, ‘Yes, little girly” he said. It was her father, but the voice was unfamiliar. She clutched the Mary doll even harder. The air was chill, ice-cold. She looked around the hall and saw scorch marks everywhere. “You called me?” he said, with the same ice-cold tone. She could not find the words to speak. “Daddy…” she said simply, clutching her Mary doll and wept quietly.

            “Come here child” Luke said. He was too devastated to bother about his own daughter. Luke would take care of her, he knew it. The little girl continued sobbing at the bottom of the stairwell, holding her Mary doll. “It’s ok.” Luke reassured her, his tone remaining cold. He wished he had the strength to comfort his daughter, the only remnant of his wife – she had her eyes. “Come to daddy” Luke said, his arms outstretched, laughing menacingly. Luke would take care of her, he thought.

            Her father beckoned her, but something deep inside her held her from reaching out. The voice, it was disturbingly cruel. He laughed, as if the smell of the smoke and burnt flesh made him happy. She slowly stepped back. “She knows!” she heard him yell as he stood up with a sudden flash. “Luke no!” she heard him say. It was all too much for the little girl, she broke for her room. All the way up the stairs she heard her father yelling, “Luke stop” and then laughing that menacing laugh, “She knows!” She was almost there, her safe haven, her room. There she would be safe, that’s what her mother had told her. She would be safe in her room. She ran with all her might, her father fumbling on the stairs behind her. She couldn’t scream; the fear and commotion choking her.

            “She knows!” Luke shouted as he made for the top of the stairs. “Luke, please, she’s a little girl. She won’t say anything!” he tried to stop Luke. Luke wouldn’t have it. Luke looked down from the top of the stairs, “Maybe now, my friend. What about when she grows old? Huh! Do you think she’ll stay quiet?” The question perplexed him. Could that sweet little girl – the one with his wife’s eyes -- be a threat? Could Luke be speaking a truth he was incapable of understanding? Lost in thought he suddenly realized, Luke had reached his daughters room. “Come here girly!”

            Her father had burst through the door, taking slow steps towards her, his smile ear-to-ear. At least the laughing had stopped, she was thankful. “Daddy…” she said, whimpering, hiding herself behind her Mary doll. “Yes child, daddy’s here” he said and began laughing again. It tore through her, the laughter. The fear clouded everything. “Luke please no. PLEASE!” she heard him say. “My friend, I’m doing this for you. Where would you be without me?” she peeped from behind her Mary doll and saw her father facing the door, “Luke…” he said. Suddenly he turned around, with that same wide smile, his eyes each facing opposite directions, he began to sing, “Mary had a little lamb…” as laughter filled the room, the house and the streets, she finally found the strength to wail.

            “…the neighbor’s said they heard a girl screaming. Looks like a real scene. Go check it out” the woman voiced over the radio. Officer Reynolds was hoping for a peaceful night. However, duty called. He followed the instructions and reached the location. In the yard was a burning body, he snapped into his senses. The whole house was dark, except for a single light emitting from a room on the first floor. He screeched to a halt and jumped out of his car, flashlight in hand. He approached the house carefully, afraid of the possibilities. The stench of the burning body filled the air but, the air was chill, too cold. He made his way to the front door, already open, he pushed it in gently. There was nothing there, he moved towards the stairwell, towards the only room with the light on. He was on the top step when he heard it, two voices, both male. “Luke...why?” said one and the other began to speak, “She knew, my friend. She knew!” he said. The second voice sent a chill down his spine. The air grew even colder. He reached the front of the door and kicked it open, gun out. There he was, weeping on a child’s bed and in his hand he held what looked like a fluffy toy. He wasn’t even remotely shocked by the entry Officer Reynolds made. He sat there still and slowly flopped backwards and the toy fell to the ground. It looked like a lamb, a fluffy lamb. It was a while before Reynolds figured it out, the strangeness of it; the lamb was covered in blood.

********

Thirteen Years ago:

            The schoolyard was his favorite place. Not during recess though, he hated his peers. They were unimaginative, too locked down by the rules set by those inferior to him. The evenings after school, that’s when he loved it, the empty swings, screeching away in the breeze and everything else stood motionless, for the most part. The noise was gone and silence took over except for the slight wailing of the wind as it passed the trees that lined the borders of the playground. He would sit there every day, delaying his return home to even more unimaginative dimwits with low reality standards.

            On one particular evening, he sat on the swing which creaked because of the rust decaying at its joints. He sat alone for a few minutes envisioning his own utopia, where everyone had their own choices and free will. While he fascinated himself with the ideology, they arrived; right on cue. He wouldn’t spend more than half an hour at the park because that’s when the drunkards would arrive, wailing at the top of their lungs ruining the perfect harmony he would set himself in. That day, he felt differently about leaving, he wouldn’t have it, the reckless mindlessness of a few drunken bastards ruining his solitude – NO! In order for his utopia to ever materialize into reality he would have to stand up to these felons. So he tried to confront them. He walked over to the drunken slaves of a false reality and told them to march away or they would have to face dire consequences. He expected them to leave, he expected them to cower in fear of his demand and respect him for his courage. But, they didn’t, before he knew it he was on the ground, head bleeding. One of the bastards had smashed an empty bottle on his head. He was weary and too weak to stand up, and he blacked out.

            The next day, he sat on the same swing, his head bandaged by the school nurse who happened to be passing by. He respected her; she had a calm demeanor about her that enticed him. He clutched an old newspaper in his hands, sometimes enjoying a good read, no matter what era the writing belonged to. As he had expected the drunken bastards returned pointing at him and laughing. One of them laughed so hard he puked. Enraged he was at the sight of uncompassionate mongrels that ruined the everyday lives of the few who still enjoyed their leisure. Today he would stand for his beliefs. Today he would fight back. “Look, look, the little man wants another stitch on his head!” one of the boys said and they all began laughing in chorus – slaves, they were slaves. As he marched forward he felt a hand on his shoulder, it gripped him hard and he heard another boy say, “Wait!” he turned around and saw a tall, skinny boy, with one broken tooth. “You don’t stand a chance against them” the skinny boy said. His eyes were gaunt as if he hadn’t slept for days. “Let me handle them” he said, his skinny hand gripping his shoulder even tighter. What could this skinny boy do? He didn’t look remotely tough. He looked so worn out that even a gentle breeze could have blown him away. But, his eyes they showed strength beyond his physical demeanor. His grip was firm and strong, his voice filled with hate, born from the pits of hell. He could clearly see that this skinny boy meant business. “Why don’t we do it together?” he asked the tall, lanky boy. At this he simply laughed and forced him to the ground. He watched as the tall, lanky kid walked up to the drunken bastards, all the while whistling a cold tune. The drunken bastards pointed at him and were laughing. The tall, lanky kid simply continued whistling, walking with a small spring in his step.

            The tall, skinny kid reached the drunken bastards and waited for a while. In front of him lay a broken bottle, the one which they broke on his head. He watched as the skinny kid picked up the broken bottle and in moments, slashed every one of the drunken bastards’ throats. At first, he was shocked, but then he began to calm down, after all they deserved it. Five drunks fell to the ground, blood gushing from their throats staining the skinny boy’s shoes. He stood over them with the broken bottle in his hand, laughing over their mindless suffering. It was their fault. They should have left him alone! They deserved it. The skinny boy made his way back to where he was squatting on the ground, where the skinny boy had forced him to sit, like a loyal pet dog. Throwing the bottle aside, the skinny boy stretched his hand out and he grabbed it and helped himself up. “This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, old pal.” He smiled and asked the skinny boy, “Your name?” the skinny boy took a few breaths, crushing his hands with a grip that almost broke his fingers and said, “Luke.” They skipped away hand in hand, whistling the same cold tune and laughing as they told each other the tale of the dead drunks again and again and again.

            The janitor, Bruce, stayed late one evening. He saw the boy again, sitting in the park, on that same swing, as it creaked gently. He smiled at the thought of playground joy. He never had much of a childhood, part of the reason he even became a school janitor. The vicarious pleasures of watching the children shout and whistle and sing around the merry-go-round.  Bruce waited for the boy to leave the swing before he began cleaning the playground. He began to rake the leaves that lay on the ground, dry and brown when he came across an old newspaper the boy had dropped. He picked it up, randomly scanning through the page. At the right corner was an obituary post. It was a bout a twelve year old boy who died a miserable death. The year of the paper was 1932, rather old, thought Bruce. He looked at the picture of the boy, his gaunt eyes, and his smile with one tooth missing. He was skinny too. He read the name of the boy, Luke; it just said Luke. He shrugged and threw the paper into his pile of leaves, figuring he could burn it with the dead, brown leaves he had raked up. A cold breeze passed by his left ear and he heard a whisper, of a boy, “You know too much!” he whispered and all went black for Bruce…

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